Saturday, January 5, 2013

Life as a Leftie

Let me just summarize it in one word for you: interesting.

Ever thought about how hard it is to be a leftie in a world made for righties?
It's maddening!

This stuff should come with a warning label for lefties! 

WARNING: May cause Lefties to become contortionists just to be able to use the writing surface. Please seek the advice of a licensed chiropractor after every use.
WARNING: May cause Lefties to acquire an ink smudge on their left hand. This is normal and should not be considered a defect in manufacturing.

WARNING: May cause all knitted products to come out upside-down. If this persists or becomes bothersome, seek the advice of the non-existent knitting guide for Lefties.
WARNING: May cause blisters on the thumbs of Lefties. Large cutting projects may be delayed.

You can just about imagine what school was like for me!
I'm really shocked that my spine is relatively straight, I didn't get ink poisoning and I don't have scars from scissor blisters.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


(Courtesy of
Every December 31, just as the calendar threatens to turn to the next year I make my resolutions. They're usually very solid, reasonable weight loss and/or life-changing resolutions that I have thoroughly researched and planned (yes, I'm a nerd. You haven't caught on yet?).

But somehow they always end up like this:

January 1: "I'm so committed! This is great! I'll be down quite a few pounds by Summer!"

January 8, 9am: "Oooh! Look! I lost 4 pounds. Surely I deserve a little something special to reward my effort."

January 8, 10am: (At local bakery) "Yes, I'd like to get a cupcake please. And one of those cookies, you know, for {later}."

January 9: (On scale) "Craaaaaap! Oh well, there's always next year." 

So I'm skipping the guilt-ridden resolutions and sticking to simpler ones that may not make me drop a bazillion pounds by Summer, but will make me more interesting by then. 

I know, "Why paint the peacock?", right? 

I kid. But honestly, I have some fine-tuning to do and this is how I plan to do it:

  1. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week.
  2. Read one new book a month.
Simple, right? That's the idea. I may not be the thinnest, most well-read person by the time Summer rolls around, but I will be better off than where I am now.

And isn't that the ultimate goal in life?
Well, that and fat-free, sugar-free, calorie-free cookies.      

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Turkey Day, Y'all!

Holidays always fascinate me.

Know why? They bring out the comical dysfunction in every family.
Don't pretend it doesn't happen in your family.
If dysfunction were rare sedatives wouldn't exist.

Know that uncle you have that's always been a little...strange? 
$5 says he'll be talking to the non-existent person next to him by the time coffee is being served. Bonus points if he serves said person a plate of food and then gets offended when they don't eat!

And then there's the aunt who always bring her loser boyfriends to family functions. You congratulate her, commenting about how "nice" he seems.
You know you've seen him somewhere, but you can't quite place him.
She's oblivious to the creepy vibe he gives off. It's not her fault, bless her heart. It's not until your family is watching TV later in the day that you remember where you know him from. A sense of deja vu washes over you as you watch the episode of "Cops" that he is featured on.

Let's not forget grandpa though. The man could fall asleep at the drop of a hat and can rarely make it through a family get-together without taking a nap in the recliner first. But somehow he is alert enough during dinner to explain, in detail, his sex life with your grandma. Bet you wish you could un-hear that, right?

And this year's lagniappe is that it was an Election year. Strap yourself in tight! Steer clear of this topic at all costs unless you want a massive case of heartburn and a headache so bad that you swear there's a Metallica concert going on in your head. If you're smart you'll sit at the kiddie table with a bottle of wine, some Advil and a camera and watch the show.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Let the games begin!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Holiday Heaven

A bag of the glory that is Holiday Heaven.
Holiday Heaven lasts for 3 weeks before Thanksgiving and for 2 weeks after Christmas. Anything can happen!

For me, it's usually a time of weight gain and pure bliss.
All because of a bag of Ghirardelli's Holiday Chocolate Assortment.

Maybe if I only eat a few chocolates this year I can skip the weight gain?

Pffft! We both know that won't happen!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Most people have some guilty habit in their life.

Some smoke, some drink, some gamble and some do all 3.

I'm asthmatic, so I can't smoke.
I'm allergic (thanks asthma!) to most wines, so I can't drink.
And Lord knows I can't afford to gamble, so I don't.

I do, however, love Coke Zero and gummy candy.
So I dug in my coin jar, pulled out $3.50 and drove to Walgreens.
I paid in quarters while everyone watched and snickered.

Laugh if you must.
I have absolutely no shame about it.
But I do have a Coke Zero and gummy candy.

Apparently sanity comes in a 20 oz. bottle.